You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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