nut hugger
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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