My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
