It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
