theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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