i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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