Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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