I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
