Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
