Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
