Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
