Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
