I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Such a big mess for such a small penis
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
