New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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