So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
