I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
