apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
