u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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