He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
