well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
