I just pynch a tree in the face
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
