she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
