just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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