i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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