There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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