just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
