So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
