I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
false alarm, still single
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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