Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
