You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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