Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
