Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
