so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
