don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
