I have demons in me.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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