I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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