you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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