I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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