tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
