Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
