It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
