i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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