I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
