Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
