Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
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