So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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