porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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