how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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