Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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