well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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