Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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